Look At All The Lonely Solid People
By Katie Molind
Grieving, they say it hurts but that would be an
improvement. They’re wrong it doesn’t hurt, it’s just nothing, no pain, no
sadness, it’s just … nothing. An infinite numbness that threatens to eat away
anything human left inside you. When I heard what happened I was shocked into
this numbness and my parents sent me to grief counseling almost right away. I
told the therapist I didn’t need grief counseling, I wasn’t hurting. However,
she insisted that once the shock wore off I would start feeling the pain. So
she continues to steal money from my parents on a weekly basis. It’s been
almost four months now but the numbness hasn’t left me yet.
The darkness continues to eat away
at my soul, as I suffer through yet another memorial service. I knew Alex was popular,
but four months out and still having memorial services, well that was just
ridiculous. This was all his mother’s doing. As I watch this sad little woman I
can’t help but wonder what she thinks might happen. Does she believe that all
these memorial services will bring him back? If I ever told her what he really
thought about her I’m sure she’d stop trying to bring him back. She would let
even the memories fade away. That was the thing about Alex when he loved
someone he really loved someone, he would die for them. If he hated someone he
really hated someone, he would spite them. There was never any in between, he
lived in a black and white world. I wonder what he would think about the shades
of grey that now envelop my world.
A soft arm wraps around my waist
and I can tell with out looking that it’s Luke. Luke and I have known each
other since we were babies; I guess that’s why he never meant much to me. I
know he took it hard when I started hanging out with Alex in the seventh grade,
but Alex was different from anyone I had ever met and when you were with him
you felt special some how. We were friends for years before we started dating
my sophomore year of high school; he was a year older than me. Now it was my
senior year of college. Luke had been there too, this whole time he never left
my side. The sad part was I didn’t want Luke, he kept trying to win me over and
I kept pushing him away. Now I guess he believed that he could take Alex’s place
now that he was gone. Luke couldn’t compare when Alex was alive and he
certainly wasn’t going to replace him now that Alex is gone.
I look over at Luke and he smiles a
sickeningly sympathetic smile. I pushed his hand away, I’ve never loved you and
I never will. My silence bears the words I can’t say myself and he leaves. Look
at all these foolish people, they never even knew Alex, if only people who
truly knew him were invited I would stand alone.
As the lonely fools made their way
back to their lonely little lives, I sat through another wave of sympathetic nods. At that
moment I thought that this was going to be the rest of my life. Sitting like a
ghost, watching all the solid people move on with their lives until I too am
finally forgotten. I had no idea what was coming for me.
“Cassidy”, the sound of my name made
me jump.
“Yes Mrs. Fielder?” I felt guilty
for the way I thought of Alex’s mother only moments before.
“Cassidy, I have something for you
here”, she handed me a small yellow envelope that had my name printed on it in
Alex’s large blocky handwriting. “He wanted you to have this, wrote it in the
hospital. I don’t know what it is but he made it seem like it was very
important.”
“I…. Thank you.”
She nodded and I could see the
crystal tears escape hers eyes as she turned her face to leave, another lonely
solid person.
I opened the envelope carelessly; I
had no idea that what the envelope contained could quite possibly change my
life forever. I slipped out the seemingly insignificant piece of paper and
began to read the words:
“Cassidy,
I
know how incredibly hard this must be for you and I know that you have slipped
away from everything you have ever been. I just want you to know that people
will miss you, your energy, your smile, your laugh, and your ever optimistic
personality. People need you Cassidy especially in times like this. You need to
show them how to move on. Especially my mother, goodness knows she’s probably
already had fifteen memorial services. Tell her I love her and stop being so
selfish. There are better things in this world then reminiscing over faded
memories, help people. Go out there and make a beautiful life, for me.
Alex.”
I was shocked, really I was
although I shouldn't be. Alex lived in a world of black and white he saw
everything for exactly what it was even me. I slipped to my knees and cried.
They were right, they were all right. It did hurt, the grieving, it hurt worse
then anything I had ever felt before. Four months of bottled hurt, anger, and
sadness came pouring out of my eyes, a bit of it slipping away from me with
every tear. When I had finally finished I stood up. No one was watching they
were all caught up in their own grief to even notice one more grieving ghost. It
was then that I realized they weren’t solid at all. They were just as lonely
and messed up as me, we were all just ghosts.
“Look at all the lonely solid
people, they’re just ghosts.”
I smiled in spite of the new found
pain I now felt; I had a plan, a purpose. I was going to help all the lonely
ghosts become solid again, starting with one in particular.
“Luke”, I extended my hand to him.
“Let’s talk.”
He could never replace Alex no one
could ever do that but he was ghost and I was going to help him. Who knows,
maybe I just might help myself.
THE END
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